"It Wasn't Right...Because It Was With You"

I am a terrible person.

This guy that I have known since sixth grade, that I have been close friends with since I first met him, came over today to give me something before he left for a ten day mission trip to Mexico. He gave me two CDs that had "It Wasn't Right....Because It Wasn't With You" on it, this braclet that he weaved, and a note that he instructed me not to read until sunday, when he would be halfway to Mexico, imagining my reaction to said note. Of course I tore open the note the moment he left, after a REALLY akward hug, I might add. Some of you probably know the gist of what the letter is about to say, but for those of you who are oblivious; one, bless you for being so, and two; here is what it said:


"Dear Lauren,
Let me start out by putting it all on the table. (these are going to be my little comments throughout. ok, this first sentence does not bode well, it made me VERY nervous and sure of what was to come.) I like you...a lot. (i knew it, and HAVE known it for the past five years) I had always hoped that, during our five years of friendship, we could spend a little more time than a bus ride, or a short conversation together. We always say we're going to do stuff tegether, and we never do. (partly because you have really bad timing, and partly because I usually find an excuse) I have tried repeated times to set something up (he sure has) and I just don't know what else to do. You are one of the most wonderful and amazing people and that's the plain truth. ( my heart is swelling from "love" and shriveling from self hate at the same time, it hurts) Even the brief moments when we saw eachother in the hallways brightened my day a little more. (ouch)
It hit me the other day, when someone asked why I had broken up with my last girlfriend; I told them something like, "I stopped liking her" or, "It just didn't feel right". Those people I told the latter to only got haf the truth though. They usually asked, "Is there someone else?" to which I replied, with a blatant lie (I'm sorry I sound like a chronic lier), "No". You get to hear the truth. I found out that I never felt comfortable in a relationship because of the simple fact that I wasn't wit you. (at this point I was starting to find it hard to breathe what with all the squeeing and contracting)
Now it is your turn if you wish to take it. On July 1st, I will be returning from Mexico (hopefully). Whether I hear from you or not is your decision now. (geeze, no presure there) I apologize that I could not say this all to you in person, but I had to get my thoughts organized on paper. Lauren, I will think of you everyday in Mexico. (!!) I've been waiting a long time to tell you this (yeah, you have!) and I hope that you take it to heart. People are truly blessed when they meet someone like you. (more like cursed) I'm waiting for you to take my hand so we can just run (lyrics to one of my favorite songs, and he knows it) and see where this path really leads.

Yours Truly,
Peter ******

I mean, wow. and DARN IT! why did he have to ruin our friendship? I HATE ultimatums! For years now I have been blocking any attempt he has made in the "more than friends" catagory, and I thought that I was successful for a time. But this year it got really intense: his friends would ask me if I liked him (SO juvenile! I mean come on! we're in 11th grade for goodness sake!) and he would always go out of his way to see me in the halls, and i know this because he told me all of his classes and he was always walking the wrong or longer way to his class. We had made joking plans to take eachother to the prom next year. Iguess it was more of a joke for me; now I don't have anyone to go to the prom with, another bummer. (By the way, this is all the more confusing and horrible because no one, and i mean no one has ever shown any type of interest in me. Guys always describe me as "wild" and i really don't get it because I am usually one of the most shy people you could ever meet.) Don't get me wrong, I really do like him, but only as a friend. It's really going to suck when he won't be even my friend anymore, because he can't just be my friend apparently.
And since I am no good at akward confrontations, I wrote him a letter that explained all this in what I hope is a gentle tone that I will mail to his house, right after he leaves for Mexico. Hey, I don't want to ruin his trip, and I wasn't supposed to have read it yet anyways. The good news is I'll be off to Yale by the time he gets back so he won't be able to get in touch with me right away.
I feel depressed and guilty and I can't get my mind off "the situation" as i like to call it. I want to blame him for telling me all this right before I leave for my "summer adventure" because I am definitly one to dwell on things, especially when I know it's my fault. However, I know he has every right to tell me how he feels and I was cruel to play along all these years when I knew (however indirectly) how he felt about me. I guess he'll have to learn in the most direct way possible that "It Wasn't Right....Because It Was With Him".
Your most guilty acquaintance,
<3 Humming Sue